


Fertilize

by slacked (orphan_account)



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe, Animal Death, Childhood Trauma, Dementia, Depression, Drowning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Nightmares, Recovery, Repressed Memories, Sleepwalking, Slow Burn, Swimming Pools, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-16 06:45:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11823372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/slacked
Summary: It all started years ago, but today it starts by a swimming pool. Tyler doesn't want to remember.





	1. I

He feels like he’s been shot. His whole body is numb and vibrating and he can’t move his back. He knew something wasn’t right when he realized he couldn’t read the street signs.

He can’t breathe. The ground is cold and wet, and his feet are soaked. The sides of the buildings look like they’re warping into the ground. They topple into each other until they collapse, breaking up into dust. It’s thick and it smells like bile. It burns entering his nose. He wants to run but his body feels paralyzed, and heavy. That’s when the ground caves in.

He tries to open his mouth, water flooding inside that burns the back of his throat. No longer dust, it’s all liquid.

Things that look like birds start flying away. The wings are disjointed and wrong. They don’t sound like birds, they sound like screaming children. They’re not birds, they’re definitely not birds. His mind is in a panic, he squeezes his eyes shut, trying to block everything out, soon all he can hear is his heartbeat.

Something is grabbing at his chest and he’s choking. There’s pressure building and he feels like his throat is going to burst. The pressure comes back again and again until he chokes, feeling the water burn on its way up from his chest. He manages to open his eyes.

There’s a figure leaned over him, hands against his chest, and it’s real this time. His arms spasm and start swatting at the air, desperately trying to achieve a release on his body. His eyes itch, his throat burns, his chest is on fire, and he can’t stop coughing. His body is heavy and it feels like he has an extra layer of skin that needs to come off.

There’s a hand rubbing at his back and a voice saying “Just breathe,” followed by “Are you okay?”

Tyler flinches at the contact. He wants to shake his head yes because he’s conscious and no longer in that place, in that dream, but he’s confused and hurting and tired so that probably isn’t what would be defined as okay.

“Where am I?” It comes out stuttered and rampant. He asks just as the voice beside him says,

“How’d you get in here?” It isn’t angry or annoyed but it still doesn’t help his confusion. “Um,” the voice speaks as if taking it back. Tyler manages to control his coughing.

Tyler opens his eyes again, despite the burn, turning his chest to see the guy hunched beside him. His red hair is in stark contrast to the glowing hues of blue dancing off of the pool. The other boy is wet too, tiny droplets clinging to his nose. Tyler looks at his own damp body against the tile, wearing nothing but a grey t-shirt with boxers, clinging to his body for dear life. He can’t help but stare at his fingertips, starting to take on a purple hue.

Tyler hadn’t realized he started shaking.

“Shit, um” the boy beside him quickly becomes restless. “You’re freezing, is it okay if I take this off?” His hand moves to the shirt clinging to Tyler’s body.

“No-” He slaps his hand away in panic, immediately regretting it. He understands, the shirt is cold and wet, but he can’t take it off. He must seem delirious, nothing feels real. His chest rattles with another fit of coughs. “Sorry, don’t, please-” He manages in between.

The boy stands to walk off somewhere. Tyler takes this as maybe his queue to leave. He really wishes he hadn’t hit him.

Tyler’s knees are weak and they twitch as he stands, trying to follow the other boy with his eyes. He’s bent over rummaging through a bag as Tyler still struggles to remain on two feet.

Tyler looks up to see the sky is pitch black. It must be the middle of the night. So what’s this other guy doing here? Though he realizes he’s in no position to be asking questions of that kind. A tuft of red hair comes back into his vision, carrying a blue towel with multi coloured fishes. He hands it to him with a smile out of courtesy.

Tyler takes it with a mumbled thank you, feeling it through his shaking fingers. It’s thin and frayed but it’s warm and comforting. He hides his face in it, bracing for the onslaught of questions he knows he won’t be able to answer.

“What’s your name?”

“Tyler.” It’s a good start. He moves the towel down to his nose.

“I’m Josh.” Josh looks very uncomfortable, most likely at a loss of what to do. “Are you okay?”

Tyler gives a nod. His eyes still itch. He wants to dig the towel into them.

“Dumb question, I know, but um,” Josh is chewing on the side of his cheek. “You were unconscious when you fell in, so I know I shouldn’t, but, what were you doing? What happened?”

“I don’t know,” The expected answer. “I was dreaming, having a nightmare. Like you said, wasn’t awake.”

“Sleepwalking?”

Tyler’s stomach sinks. He can’t look at Josh.

"That's cool, I guess." Josh is too patient.

“How’d I get in here?” Tyler says more so to himself. He’s at the public pool next door to the ice rink. He couldn’t have hopped the fence in his sleep, it’s too high. He remembers once or twice talking to his brother about breaking in one night but it was never a plan, only a fantasy.

“I didn’t lock the gate yet.” Josh has the ghost of a smile on his lips. “I’ll keep your little sleepwalking secret if you keep mine. Could cost me my job.”

“Not locking the gate doesn’t sound as bad as breaking and entering.” Josh is now full on smiling.

“You didn’t break anything. Could’ve hurt yourself though.” Tyler’s staring at the bottom of the pool. He almost wants to laugh.

“How long was I down there?”

“Not too long, took me a bit to figure out you weren’t awake.” Josh starts laughing to himself. “You scared the shit out of me. I thought you were just stoned or something.”

Tyler scrunches his nose. To say he was embarrassed would be more than an understatement.

“Thank you,” He runs the towel through his hair. “For not letting me drown.”

“Do you need me to give you a ride?” Josh is abrupt, it comes out as he follows Tyler towards the gate.

Tyler shivers. He wants to hide under the towel again.

“That’s okay.” Tyler gestures to the bike lying in the grass. “Looks like a biked here.”

“Tyler please,” His hand is on the towel tangling from Tyler’s shoulders. “After what I just saw, it’s really no trouble, I just- I don’t think it’s safe for you to-”

Tyler puts the towel into Josh’s hands. “I’m good.” He opens the gate, fingers no longer shaking.

Tyler can feel the shift in the mood, seeing Josh go from panic to friendly to pity makes Tyler’s guts turn. Why does he always end up doing this to himself?

He walks in soggy shoes towards his discarded bike, standing it up onto the sidewalk. Tyler can feel eyes burning at his back. Once he’s properly sat onto the bike seat he turns to see Josh’s figure still standing by the gate. Tyler looks from Josh up to the sky, praying that the clouds don’t open up to rain. Not that he wasn’t already soaked.

Tyler isn’t sure what to say, so he says the bare minimum.

“Bye.” It’s barely audible, he might as well not have said anything.

“See you around.” Josh says with a quick wave before turning to lock the gate.

Tyler wants to laugh, or cry. His throat is burning again.

His knuckles turn white while squeezing the handlebars as he rides away, tires squealing at a humiliating pitch. His wrists start aching. He should loosen his grip but he can’t. They feel real, so they must be real, because they are real. Tyler is awake. He feels awake. So why does everything still feel like a bad dream?

His eyes won’t stop burning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i already have half of chapter two and three written so hopefully this will be updated properly. i'll update the tags and rating as the story progresses.  
> please comment letting me know what you think so far. this is one of my more ummm experimental kind of stories i've always wanted to write but was too scared to. so feedback is much much appreciated.


	2. II

His bed remains untouched. It’s the same unkempt mess it has been for the past week, with his blanket draped off the side as if it were a museum piece. His pillow is missing from the scene, removed and relocated, to the all too familiar couch.

A trail of water droplets cling to the wooden floor. His eyes are unfocused, staring at the ceiling.

The TV is droning about some infomercial as he lays on the couch, having recently adjusted his pillow for the third time. He’s wearing a dry pair of boxers with an old grey sweater from high school. He could play last night off as some nightmare if it hadn’t been for the wet shirt and underwear still lying on the bathroom floor. He’s been laying like this for hours, as he does most nights.

After finally growing tired of staring at the ceiling, he collects himself off the couch and goes to hang up the wet clothes, thankful that they only smell of chlorine.

He’s brushing his teeth by the time his alarm goes off. His phone is filled with missed calls from his Brother. He tried texting him last night.

_Zack, 9:47 pm_

_Call me when you have the time._

Toothpaste starts to dribble from his lips. Tyler stares at the ripped up cuticle on his index finger, as it hovers over the empty text box. He spits in the sink and slips his phone into his back pocket.

He searches for his work shirt on his bedroom floor. By the time he finds it his second alarm goes off.

While taking his bike down the elevator he hears his phone vibrate. He puts it on silent. It isn’t until he starts biking to work when the music in his earbuds is interrupted by his stupid ringtone. He pulls off to the side to accept the call.

“I’m busy.”

“Tyler what the fuck?”

“What?”

“You never called me.” Zack sounds like he’s driving. Tyler can hear traffic. “I told you to call me and you never called me.”

“I was busy.” Tyler continues to bike down the road.

“Oh so you did see my text, huh?”

“You said to call when I had the time.” Tyler brings the microphone from the earbuds up to his lips.

“Well you obviously have the time now.”

“No, I’m actually busy, if you didn’t hear me before.” He gives up and puts the wire between his teeth. “I’m going to work, bye.”

“I don’t care. You can’t fuck around like this. Mom and Dad really need your help right now.”

“They got you. They got Jay.” The wire is muffling his voice. “Maddy is always happy to help.”

“That’s not the point.” There’s a honk coming from Zack’s end. He sounds tired. “We’re burying her next week.”

There’s silence.

“You can’t just run away, we all have to deal with it.”

Silence.

“Tyler?”

“Yeah?”

“We need you to come over on Friday. We need to make a dent in that place. At least a few boxes, okay?” He sighs. “I know it’s hard for you.”

“Okay.”

Zack pauses.

“Maddy misses you.”

Tyler pauses.

“I miss her too.”

It’s Zack's turn to be silent. Tyler doesn’t break it.

“Have you been-“

Tyler interrupts Zack by cursing louder than he would’ve liked. Clenching his breaks to a halt. The wire of his earbud falls out of his mouth. His breathing is staggered.

“Tyler?”

He didn’t do it, but that doesn’t make it any less disturbing.

“Tyler what happened?”

He didn’t do it, but that doesn’t take the guilt in his chest away.

He bikes this path practically every day. Every day the sidewalk is cracked, sun stained, and maybe a bit muddy, but today there was a bird laying on its back, its stomach flattened down the middle. The beak is parted slightly. It looks painful, it looks dead. It is dead.

“Quick fucking around, what’s going on?”

He feels bile rise to the back of his throat.

The line is silent, Zack is awaiting a response. Tyler brings the mic back up to his lips.

“I’m fine.” It comes out weak, he hates it.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing just,” He fights his shaking fingers. “Roadkill.”

“Have you been sleeping?” He tries again, trying to not dance around the subject anymore.

“Yeah.” Tyler isn’t ready for this conversation. “Zack I gotta go.”

“Are you having those dreams again?” Zack is persistent. “Mom just thought that maybe, with everything happening-”

“I’m fine, but I gotta get to work.”

“Okay, well, call me later tonight.”

“I will.” He won’t. “See you Friday.”

*        *        *

Tyler stares at the oven and doesn’t think about dead birds. He stares at the pizza bubbling with heat and doesn’t hear screaming children ring through his ears. Soon, he’ll get to go home and continue not to think about it. It isn’t until he hears actual children in the shop that he realizes the finger in his mouth is bleeding.

The shifts are long and people are rude. At least he’s behind the counter.

“Tyler wash your hands that’s disgusting,” Tyler stares at Mark at he pulls the finger out of his mouth. “And deliver this order please.” His co-worker turns his back to him.

“I thought Brendon was on delivery tonight.”

“He called in sick.”

“He always calls in sick.” He says under his breath, leaning over the sink.

Tyler should have called in sick.

He starts scrubbing at the fresh blood surrounding his cuticles, a cough rising to his chest, throat still tingling. A faint memory of last night.

Slinging the delivery bag over his shoulder, he begins his departure in the same blank mood as he’s been in all day. Very far away in thought. Too zoomed in on minor details, too unfocused on the bigger picture.

He pulls himself away from his thoughts long enough to set the delivery bag up on the back of his bike. He sticks his finger in his mouth while he rides it. It looks obscene, but Tyler can’t be bothered with that now. His mind is too busy on juggling excuses to not show up on Friday, while trying to remember the address he’s delivering the pizza to.

Luckily the latter kicks in just in time for him to make the right turn.

No birds, no chlorine, nothing resembling last night. Nothing left but a cough, a ghost. His Mom has nothing to worry about. He has nothing to worry about. He can move past this. He has four days left to forget any of it ever happened. His Mom always seems to know, always knows how to dig away at him.

Tyler pulls his bike to the side, placing the kickstand into the sidewalk. It squeaks as he does it, making him flinch. He really needs a new bike. He walks up to the front door of the apartment building and waits to be buzzed in. The elevator ride is shaky but nothing too bad.

He lets his muscle memory kick in. Find the door number, knock, deliver, get the money, and leave. But when the door opens he reads back the order, there’s no response.

He lifts his head but wasn’t expecting that face. The hair was like a stop sign, telling him to turn back. He almost wanted to yell at him, to scream “What are you doing here?” but this is obviously where he lives. If anybody shouldn’t be here it’s Tyler.

“Tyler?” Josh matches Tyler’s gaze.

He can’t will any words to fall out.

“You’re the pizza guy?” Is all Josh can say.

Tyler’s head falls to look at the box in his hands. He meets Josh’s eyes once more before saying “I’m the pizza guy, yes.”

“Cool.” Josh is staring at him. Food forgotten. Just staring. There’s a moment of pain, hesitation. “You do remember me, right?”

Tyler feels pressure rise into his chest.

“Yeah,” He says, trying to not sound snappy. “That’ll be $6.77.”

“Oh yeah, right.” Josh furrows his eyebrows but makes no move to get money out of the wallet resting in his palms. “How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“I mean, considering-”

“I know. I’m fine.”

“You look like shit.” It’s not said with any disgust or laced with malice, it’s genuine. It doesn’t have that condescending tone his Mom’s mastered. Josh is looking at him, searching his face for something. Tyler is chilled, he feels exposed. He gives up and tilts his head back down, reading the order back to Josh once more.

Tyler feels the shift again. And it’s his fault. Josh lets his head hang as he begins to fish through his wallet. Tyler almost wants to refuse the tip brought forward. Guilt squeezing him alive.

“Thank you.” Tyler mumbles, he can’t meet Josh’s eyes as he leaves the doorway.

As Tyler’s dragging his bike back down the hall he hears Josh respond in a small voice, “Stay safe.” But by the time Tyler turns around the door’s been closed.

Once he’s out of the building, he haphazardly climbs back onto his bike, pedaling away like there’s a fire under his ass. He feels as he did when he was a kid, turning off the basement light and running back upstairs to the door. As if something invisible was following him. But it’s not invisible anymore. It has big brown eyes and red hair.

He’s pushing down with his legs as hard as he can, as if he can go faster than his brain and leave behind his memories. But you can’t outrun your thoughts, you can only drown them out. He’s reaching for his earbuds out of his pocket, already plugged into his phone. As he’s pushing them into his ears he sees it. Swerving, unsure if it’s alive. It doesn’t matter, he can’t hit it.

His arm is the first thing that makes contact with the ground. His legs and bike follow, falling towards the grass. His arm wasn’t as lucky, colliding with the asphalt. The sleeve around his elbow is torn. His fingers twitch towards the dead animal.

This bird is different, _was_ different, than the one he saw this morning. Black feathers splayed out, lying on its stomach, only the remnants of its head are left over. His throat is burning, trying to restrain tears and vomit. His face is mere inches away. He shuffles his body backwards, feeling the hot fresh pain shoot in his elbow and the side of his palm. He’s clenching his jaw, trying to muffle the noises being pushing out of his lungs.

He lays there trying to control his breathing, he doesn’t know for how long. But by the time he walks back to the store, he can tells it was too long.

“What the hell, Tyler are you okay?” Any initial Anger of Tyler being late melts away, Mark is staring at the bloody tear in Tyler’s white sleeve. Before he knows it, he’s leading him into the back room. “What happened?”

“There was an- ow,” Mark is rolling up Tyler’s sleeve, more aggressively than he’d like. His reflex is to protest but he knows he’s just trying to help. “Some animal. I tried to avoid it but,” He feels a sudden heaviness come back into his lungs. He can’t speak. Mark is too preoccupied with his arm to listen anyways.

“You can leave early tonight, okay? Just go home.” He says while wrapping the bandage from his arm to his wrist. “Get some sleep.” Mark is meeting his eyes now.

Tyler is thankful, and he wants to thank him, but he feels the pulling on his chin and the twitching in his cheeks. If he tried to speak it’d come out in sobs. So he just nods his head and keeps eye contact. Hoping somehow, he’ll know what he’s going through.

Tyler takes Mark's advice. When he goes home, he strips down into more comfortable clothes. Leaving his now blood stained shirt, in a corner of his bedroom that he won’t have to look at it. He moves his pillow from the couch back into the bedroom.

For a moment he believes Mark, he feels like he can actually have a good night's sleep. After about an hour, he finally feels himself starting to drift. But all he can hear is the screaming. The squawking and inhumane noises. The things that aren’t birds, he can almost make out what they’re saying.

_Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?_

_Go away!_

Tyler’s forehead is damp, with sweat, not pool water. He sits up, his pillow pressed into his chest, breathing heavily.

Once he’s calmed down enough to touch the floor, he reconciles himself back to his place on the couch. This time he can’t help the hot tears that pool up and spill out. He has to accept that this is where he’s resigned himself to. This couch will be his grave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are going to start happening in the next chapter i promise.  
> as always comments really help, let me know what you think.


End file.
